Most parents want their children to succeed. Some narcissistic parents, however, set expectations not for the benefit of the child, but for the fulfillment of their own selfish needs and dreams. Instead of raising a child whose own thoughts, emotions, and goals are nurtured and valued, the offspring becomes a mere extension of the parent’s personal wishes, with the child’s individuality diminished.
As long as the child is doing what the narcissistic parent wants him to do or thinks he should be doing all is good in their world. When the child begins to have their own thoughts or different wants, that is when problems arise. The parent will belittle the child and try to make the child inferior to try to keep control of the situation.
As a child of a narcissistic father I remember this feeling so well. There were times I was so happy and proud of my accomplishments only to be made fun of or told I could have done better. He did not like it when I felt good about myself. The only time this was acceptable is when he would benefit from the situation also.
This had a huge impact on how I started to view myself as I became older. I started to doubt myself and I sometimes would think that maybe I was the bad one and I was not being a good daughter. I did well in school and in sports. He did not like that. All he talked about is what he could have been and how he was always the best. Everyone looked up to him and wanted to be as good as he was. So when I started to excel it was a threat to him and he did not like that.
I could go on and on about different situations our family endured but what is more important is how to excel in life regardless of what you have been through. We can learn to turn the bad into something positive. Every day that we wake up someone else is waking up to something much worse.
It is easy to carry around hatred and resentment. That gives people the ability to blame others for their mistakes. It keeps people from looking inside of themselves and being accountable for their own actions.
We all know how hard it is to forgive. For some of us it is a pride issue. For anyone to be truly happy with themselves they need to be freed of the narcissist. Be freed of the shackles that hold you down.
I believe that the first step to being freed is showing that person mercy. Mercy is showing someone forgiveness that does not deserve forgiveness or does not deserve to be showed kindness. Once you take that first step and truly show them mercy you will be amazed at the years of pain you have carried will be freed. Once that person does not have control over you, you will be able to move past what has been holding you back from accepting how great you really are!
How do we show a person mercy that does not deserve it?
This does not mean that we condone this person's behavior. This means we should show the person kindness. Walking around with bitterness and resentment towards another will only hurt you. The narcissist does not think he or she has done anything wrong. They do not see themselves as a bad person. So reacting to their behavior only gives them more of a sense of power over you. Quit reacting with sadness or anger. React in a way that they do not get a response from you. Reacting with kindness may make them try other tactics to bring you down but do not let them. You are showing them mercy for yourself. Not for them. For you to be able to let go and free yourself from them. Then it may mean removing this person from your life on a regular basis. Sometimes that is the only choice in order to heal. If the person continually disrespects you and has no empathy by no means should you continue to accept their behavior. Remember you are showing mercy towards that person for yourself. Not them. So once you let go of the resentment and hurt you may move on without them.
This is a process and may take time to heal. Especially if a person as endured many years of abuse. Just know that you can be happy and you are important. We all are. We all have a purpose in life.
These principles can apply not only to a parent but anyone in your life that has done things to hurt you.
Life is short. Be happy. Love yourself and those around you!